I’m having a bit of a tough time really contemplating how to become a success. It seems like every time I feel motivated for action, something will show up to prevent or stop or intrude on the next step I want to take.
It’s tough to want to do something, but be stopped at every turn. It feels like the universe wants me to take a break and I just don’t want to. I want to make progress and get things done.
I am doing laundry now and it is something that I would always delay in the past. I am having to take care of it all myself and so I am not able to work on it as much as I think I want to. Laundry should be simple and I have been in the routine of once a week, every week, usually at the beginning of the week. I guess I try to fit too much into my day.
My Mom made some cake last night- carrot cake- and it was good, but I feel I have been gaining weight recently. After having worked off a lot of it, it is coming back, and I am pretty sure it is because I have not had a decent amount of food in the house until recently. I have been poor for a while. I still am, but the monthly check is a huge help that I wish I don’t need. I wish I were able to make a living doing what I do here on the blog. It has been an uphill battle getting this blog off the ground and I am realizing, if I don’t just enjoy what I am doing, no one will want to take part in anything I have to offer.
Real abundance is enjoying what I have and enjoying what I do. If I force and push and pull, nobody wins. I have to keep going, but I also have to slow down from time to time. I like the work though and I have trouble sitting still for any amount of time, unless I am in my meditation time. I seem to want to meditate all day and connect to heaven rather than deal with the Earth life I have been a part of.
I have been switching gears too many times. Going from abstract artwork to illustration to one project, to another project and it is all not making sense at times. I want to get it all done and move on to the next thing, but there are like twenty next things and they are all pulling on my energy. I guess today is all about resting and being patient with the life I am in.
This time, I want to do something different with my life. For so long, I have been thinking it is all going to end as soon as I am done a project. Just get this one done and then I can die and move onto another life, but I keep on living. I keep existing and having to be here. It is weird to not want to be in the only place I am able to exist in on this plane called life. I guess I do exist in heaven in some way, but to have to keep dealing with the stress of life makes me want to retreat even more.
I have new tarot decks and oracle decks that I want to use. I bought a couple from Amazon, though I should be saving EVERY penny I have for food. I also bought some Copic markers that I had been thirsting for for weeks on end. I learned that I am not that experienced at tarot or oracle cards, but that I have a deep desire to work with them and I do on a daily basis, but as far as having given oracle or tarot readings to others, I am behind the ball.
I set up a page on the blog for people who would like to help me practice readings. You can get a free reading from me for a while and I think I am ready for the next step in the progression of my abilities and work with divination. I have been feeling lately that it is time to make this whole thing a business reality soon. I am developing the steps I want to take with it, but I know it will take time and so the whole deal with patience comes up again and again.
My family gives me stress a lot of the time and I am left feeling even more alone and even more like I want to retreat and disappear. For most of my life, my family has had one huge drama after another. One argument after another and one stress after another. I am realizing that I feel way better not getting involved with the people who are the main part of my interaction with the human race.
One person after another on the internet will post or say something to the effect that if you are not being treated fairly, or if the person in your life is a drain, to stay away or that you deserve better than to be treated unfairly. There will be something that I do for trying to figure the business venture out and it will say- spend more time with happy people and people who are rich and less time with people who are a drain. Everywhere I turn, there will be a message similar to this and I will feel even more alone and like I need to disappear from at least this city.
I have lived in the same part of the same city for years and I just want to run away and disappear. I feel singled out at being single because everywhere I turn for the past few days of this month, there will be talk about romance and Valentine’s day. I haven’t had romance in over a decade and it always makes me feel like I am missing out on so much and like I don’t know the first place to start with the opposite sex.
People seem to think I am gay because I make art and am into intuitive practices. Or maybe they think the way I dress or the way my hair is, is not straight. I think it has a lot to do with this neighborhood. Maybe I just don’t fit in enough to be able to be a part of this place. Maybe I am just sentencing myself to social death by feeling like I am not a part of the world.
It’s funny. When you talk about the new age movement or the new age group of people, they will say that you are a great, amazing creation of a loving being and that you are different because you are a divine spark that does not follow the strictures of society. They will say you are meant for great things, or great change. That you have a mission and the fact that you are different makes you special. I don’t know what to think of this. It feels good. It feels like I fit in even a little bit because there are others like me. But where are they in my life?
They say in new age circles that the more your ego gets in the way, the bigger purpose you have. I feel like I fight my ego through every bit of life. I feel like I just want to call it all done a lot of the times, or I will fight through the work. I will force myself to do one more thing. Or I will beat myself up for not doing it more successfully. As an artist I am my own worst critic.
Tim Edwin B.