Here I am with a leaky roof and about 6-8 inches of snow coming down. Again I have to try and figure out from my limited point of view how to make enough money to afford the things that are necessary. I guess I have a small amount now to buy food and basics, but the roof, or the windows, or the basement, or the whatever, is just too much to afford.
I need to learn how to market and get my projects and products out there. I have been trying to discover some great way to sell these things I keep making, but the elusive advertising capital evades me. Starting out on the venture that I have been going down was insurmountable in a lot of ways from where I was coming from; but I pulled through. For the most part.
To be stuck again at a point where the spit hits the wall is a bit like being stuck in stiffening tar- no way to move and no way out. That one glimmer of hope always stands by me though and perhaps when the spring thaws out the snow, this toughening tar-like metaphor will melt as well. It seems tough to be a sensitive person in a world of tough guys (seemingly), but I am pulling through one tough energy after another.
Stress is still here. Anxiety still too. Too much on my have-to-get-done plate as well.
The only way out now is to keep going. Keep pushing through. I have found some info on food shares and some on advertising and some on marketing and business. There seems too many strings to pull on, one strand at a time. I get the image of pulling on yarn when I should be pulling on boat ropes- the yarn is never gong to be strong enough to pull my ship to shore. You know, the one that is supposed to come in when one does a butt-load of work. “Just keep swimming” pops up in my brain. Even the simplest minds can sometimes make things come together in a great way. That fish from “Finding Nemo” comes to mind more often than I know.
I do see hope in some way. Selling old belongings that others can use does bring some satisfaction, though I would much prefer to buy new ones. It is weird how life works- clearing out the old to bring in the new. Just like this snow is clearing out the plants that have died back or how the shovel clears the fallen snow brethren, I am seeing that a part of me is going away, dying in order to bring new seeds.
Losing loved ones is tough. My dog is gone. Anniversaries of passed on family members. A bit lonely, but I have my other pets for now. Depression seems to be leaving despite it all. For some reason, I am able to clear out old emotions through meditation. If I didn’t meditate, I think I would not be able to handle any of this.
I guess I just want to write to get out this stuck spot. I get so overwhelmed at times- more often in the past. It seems like age dulls the doldrums in a lot of ways. What seemed like an insurmountable illness now seems feasibly surpass-able. If only I could put that to use on building a better house and better income.
I have a lot of “faith skills” now- Meditation, writing, affirmations, positiveness, art therapy, self reflection, etc. I feel capable enough to work through mental problems that in the past would have sent me flying to the wall. The readings I give to myself really help me to tune in and feel communicated with on a fundamental level.
What’s tough for me is finding direction. I feel like a lost octopus trying to blend in, but being seen anyhow. Sometimes ink gets all over when I panic, but I guess the ink is now used in a positive way- comic books. I have been working up the nerve to work some more on my new comics. Everything seems to be pulling me in different directions. A project here, a project there, and I am not sure which is most important or which will pay off in some form. I am learning more and more that focus and patience makes for better products. I do like what I have made, but as far as sales go, I feel stuck. I need a business partner or some sort of blissful intervention where I am able to figure it all out in one brief moment.
I guess climbing that ladder to the next highest spot takes some muscle. The muscle I am developing is hope, faith, perseverance, and allowing. I have been allowing the problems more than arguing with them. Allowing the people who differ in opinion to have their point of view. No longer do I try to prove something or try to make myself understood by someone. I feel understood by heaven and that is what truly matters.
Just keep going is my mantra. Just keep going and take a break, but get back to it soon. Just keep going but make room for peace. Just keep going, but don’t force an opinion. Just keep going and be peaceful-caring. Just keep going and going and going because it will pay off eventually.
I guess that is all for now. Just wanted to spill my brain-thoughts for a while.
I hope you are all well now and not having to deal with any toughness that you don’t want.