Help! I don’t know which direction to go!
I have two opposing worlds in me. I have my angel/comics world and my weird abstract art world and I don’t know which one is more me. On the one hand, I love the abstracts because it is fun and relaxing to work on. On the other hand, the comics work seems to be something I want to do in order to make a living. I have so many ideas for comics and children’s books. Thirdly, there is the oracle and Tarot card decks, which I will put in the same category as the comics a.k.a. illustration.
There is the fine art aspect and the illustration aspect. The hoity toity world and the lowbrow. Which is which, I have not decided. I am back and forth and back and forth and I do not know which one to choose. Both a part of me and yet neither one totally what I want to do for the rest of my life.
When I left school, I just wanted to do abstracts. When I went down a spiritual path, I just wanted to do comics. When I made progress in both, I became undecided and unsure. Things pulling me both ways and I am unsure which is more me, which I want to focus on and which will pay off the most.
I feel doubly pressured because I feel I have to be accountable to this blog. This blog makes me think that I have to be sure to have something that is most popular. This blog makes me think there is something more besides me and my wants and more than just my desires for fun in my “work life”. I can’t really call it a work life yet, even after years and years of art-making.
My higher reasoning tells me that in order to effect the most change in the world, comics are the way to go, even though the audience for my comics and comic strips seems interested in other things and sparse to say the least. Go with the popular vote my head tells me. Then I look at my abstracts and think “these are too weird and only remnants of my foray into insanity.
Then I think- “what is more fun- abstract or comic” “what has the most chance of paying off” and I am even more confused. I know one from one part of my life and the other from another part of my life and I am mixed and confused and wondering, who am I?
I guess there is a side to me that is weird- loves strangeness; loves quirkiness and another side that is spiritual and story driven. I don’t know which is better nor who I will be in ten years. If I go down one path, will I turn out differently as a human being than the other path? If I am able to effect positive change in the world, which will have the most impact- this story, the other story, the abstract, the cards? I do not know and I have over burdened myself.
I’d like to think I am just a well rounded individual and just have varying interests, but my varying interests seem to be grinding against each other rather than working as well oiled gears. They don’t seem to fit and they don’t seem to meld as one.
When things like this hit, I tend to want to do nothing, to sit and avoid everything and that is about what I did this past week. I just sat around trying to figure out who I am. I guess I did get some work done and I guess I did come to some decisions, but not the final, fully fledged idea of what I want to do for the coming few months.
I don’t want to be tied down to the commitment of one comic strip a day for ten years or something like that. I don’t want to go down the “boring” route of the puerile life of angels, but there is something there. There is something with each and there is something I have to decide. Do I want to be known as the angel comic guy or the kooky abstract artist? Does one cheapen the other? Does one discredit the other? Things like this I have to think about. I am unsure of myself and this world.
With the recent events, it seems everything is upside down. While I am having an identity crisis, the world is in chaos as it always seems to be nowadays. People are protesting, volcanoes, earthquakes and I am worrying about art. I have been realizing more and more that life is not about work or art. Life is not about the amount of things a person paints or the amount of work one can get done in a year or two, especially if it means tapping out too soon.
I am forced to rethink the life I have lived over the past ten years or so. Why I went down this path, what I want to get out of it. What set me going here, what set my thinking this way or that. How much can one person evolve in a short period of time. Existential things that make me wonder and examine my life. I want to be more sure of myself- more confident and more like I know what the heck I am doing. I want to be more able to be who I am and to not question it, not doubt it, and not be confused.
For now, I will just think it over and come to some decisions in the best way I know how- meditation and pondering- and art making. Those three seem to be the trick to use for now. It would be good to have some input from someone who knows the ropes; who knows where I am and who has been down these roads. I feel like the intrepid explorer who is the only one willing to go searching for something more in life- stuck in the limbo of the unknown and the uncharted hopes and dreams of a lost island of doubt. “Keep going” I tell myself. “Keep going and a way will make itself known. A way will show itself to me”
Thanks for reading,
Tim Edwin B.