I have been getting some more designs up on zazzle lately. I hope to get a ton of new products out there for you all. My younger sister has been helping me almost daily with the Z shop. I needed that kind of help with this stuff. For so long, I was going it alone and with no assistance at all. Having help from family members is very important. Having someone believe in your dreams is another ton of importance.
My baby lizards are doing as well as can be. It has been costly and difficult to get them all the food that they need. My father has been helping me with that.
It is good to get help with things. My uncle gives me things to sell from time to time. My stepmother takes me to places I need to get to at times. Letting people know that I need help has been difficult, to say the least, with my family in the past. My own emotions were rather intense and it appeared that others’ were as well.
Having just vacuumed and mopped the living room and dining room and getting ready to vacuum and mop my two rooms on the top floor, I feel like I am contributing as well as can be. It takes a lot of effort to work with other people sometimes, but it is something I am getting better at. Over time.
Helping and working together as a team should be natural. It should be accepted. Strangers should help strangers. Managers should help workers. Police should help the public.
Why do we as humans push people away, or avoid, or ignore? Why do some of us go to great lengths to hate others? One country gets mad at another. One type of person gets mad at another type. Why do parents and children argue? What are we trying to work out?
I have fought with myself and the “outside world” many times. I had fear. I still do. Fear that others will hurt me. Fear that the world is not safe. Fear that I will be abandoned and hated. Most people do not even notice me out there. My hair was really humorously long for a while. Not that many people made fun of me. I was shocked. I think having long hair just seemed normal to these people. It was not for me.
Having put myself out there as a weirdo, bipolar, artist, psychic of sorts, I would think people would be more mocking of me. Most are not. I was afraid to let people know that I believed in spirits. Most don’t care. Or if they did, they didn’t say anything. I walk around, feeling like I am keeping a big secret. No-one knows I make art. No-one seems to know that I have a book out there or that I produce art almost daily. I would think it would be impressive.
I am not sure what to think. I watch the news and people are fighting and arguing and protesting and all sorts of negative things are said about others on a daily basis, but for the most part, what I experience in the “real world” is people ignoring me. I guess that is great to not be offensive to others. I would fear it intensely in the past.
Changing things around with my appearance that are out of character for me made me see that the world doesn’t care about the small things usually. I’m just a “normal” person out there in the neighborhood, no matter how weird or different I feel. I’m just a passerby. I feel like I am keeping a secret of immensity- that I am out of the usual. I feel like I am different than everybody, but everybody just seems to see me as another nobody.
I have delusions that my work will be world famous someday. Maybe because most people told me that it would be when I was younger. I feel at times that I am contributing something as important as one of those well known famous artists out there from the past. You know, the ones who go down in history.
But people don’t want to know that in the present. In the present, most people are just “most people.” Maybe I am just an ordinary, normal person. Sane and healthy wrapped up in safety. Maybe the world is a better place than I have thought in the past. Maybe the stories they tell on the news are blown way out of proportion.
I watch a movie about a seemingly mundane and boring thing, and the media that is hollywood make it seem intense and extreme like I am moving though rapids on a canoe, and in reality, I am just sitting in a chair. Maybe it is the norm for people to see things in the extreme,
Cutting out a lot of television and harsh entertainment like intense music has made me appreciate the world more. I feel more at peace. More calm. More like the world is safe. Media and all of that make everything feel bad. Especially for someone with a mental illness like me. I wonder if there is something to that. Do those huge conglomerate media companies plan all this out? I imagine them all sitting in a room trying to figure out how to make normal intense. Do the people who make biopics plan out extreme camera angles of someone coming up with an idea or doing paperwork? Most movies about artists make it seem that way.
I guess I am just rambling along. I like to get my thoughts out there. I want to do this more often- share thoughts about life and where I am at. I think it will be a regular feature. Maybe once a week, maybe more often, maybe less. I guess it already is.
Tim Edwin B.