It’s difficult to see someone you love hurting themselves every night you are with them. It’s tough when you can’t say anything or risk the upset of an argument or angry denials.
When someone drinks every night of their life, they are not happy.
I don’t know what to say to my mother who does this. I am at a loss.
She stays up all night, drinking and I am all alone all day because she sleeps all day. I feel like I am not doing the right thing. I feel like I need to say something or yell at her or inspire her to do better, to be better. There is so much she is missing and so much I could give her if only she would open up and not be so fearful and angry. I am mad at her because she should be a better person, but there is nothing I can do for her. She refuses to even listen to someone who is concerned for her.
Every night, a half a case of beer is gone- that is when she can afford it, which she can’t. We are stuck here with very little money and she wastes it all on beer and cigarettes. I wish I could make her see that there is life to be lived and life to be enjoyed and more out there in the world than her ancient behemoth of a tv and addiction. So much addiction.
I want to get out of here- out of this city and life. I want to move and move on from Philadelphia. All my life has been Philadelphia. Not that it is that bad of a place, but I am uncomfortable here. The people are loud and mean too. At least that is what I hear from my bedroom window- loads of people walking by and getting angry. I wonder if they are mad at me. I hear a comment every now and again that seems to correlate with me and my family.
It certainly feels like I am on edge a lot of the time. I don’t want to upset the angry drinker in the house or the angry drinkers outside by the bar at the corner. I NEED to move. I am tired of things this way. It has gone on for far too long. A 33 year old man should not live with his mother. It should have passed by now- this life with a parent who can’t seem to face her reality.
I am at a loss and stuck here and I don’t like it. I despise it at times. It should not be this way.
I am wanting to make some money and get a job. I am wanting to finish some projects and get them out there. I am wanting to be someone better than I am. I am longing for growth. And I do get it, but I should push myself more. I know the effects of pushing too hard though and I don’t want to do that.
I’ve got to keep going, keep moving forward in order to make it possible for me to move. I hear a lot of card readers say there will be a move coming up for you, most times, it only means my sister is moving. When will it be my turn? I just want to get out and make a life of my own.
Tim Edwin B.