I’ve been a bit busy and stressed. Not too stressed. Mostly because I have been taking things slower. I am still getting work done, but a lot slower. I will have a new comic strip posted today on the Angel Messages Of Light facebook page and a short video of the making of the strip on YouTube, and then I will post it all on this blog tomorrow.
I have been having difficulties affording things. I have to get some prints for you all to see and for me to proof and use and get ready for sale, but money is not showing up for me other than a great birthday gift from my stepmother. Unfortunately, (or fortunately), it all went towards food. I really have to find some way to deal with this whole money thing.
I did not get any videos done this week, but I hope to soon. Maybe tomorrow, or some day this weekend. I am having the fear of failure from time to time. It seems like I am doing all this work for no reward. I don’t get anything for all the effort- not much anyhow. That is the main reason I haven’t posted much this past week. I’m wondering- “what is all this effort for?”
I push myself so hard to get so much done and none of it seems to pay back.
Granted, a lot of the work I did still needs time to gestate and get done, which is something that I get impatient about. I need money now, a lot of the time. I feel broke and unaccomplished and just like I am treading water. I feel bad to try to get a bunch of people I don’t really know to buy stuff from me. I feel like it is dishonest or just being pushy or putting out energy that people really do not want. I guess there is some self esteem issues there to deal with.
I keep going and keep getting stuff worked on and done, but in order to have it all be worth it, I am not really sure what to do. I feel like I need help, but there is no one I know of to turn to for help with this stuff. I am mostly alone with the efforts of making, editing, writing, selling, promoting and the majority of it, I really do not know how to do. I am only guessing a lot of the time, and as someone who is not very social at all, it becomes difficult to try to put myself out there in an obvious way. I don’t like to be in your face with stuff.
I am learning and growing and doing a LOT of meditation in order to heal past karma and trauma. Meditation seems to be the most important thing in my life right now. It helps my emotions and moods and just general all around energy. I would not be able to cope so well without it.
I get caught up in trying to escape though. I do need to participate more and talk to more people. I need to get out, but I have been in hiding for so long. I may though, be able to move to a more relaxing location soon. I hope so. (Fingers crossed). My own home- away from the old city I have been in for 99% of my life. This house that has been stressful to work with and live in may become a thing of the past. Barring an interview and some strokes of luck, I should be in a new place within a month or two.
I have been on a waiting list for housing for over 4 years or more it seems. It has been such a long wait and to have it finally show up, I am more than looking forward to it. It is about time to move out and be on my own. As a 34 year old adult, I need to break the chains and live on my own again.
I got some more work done on the Angel watercolor tarot deck that I posted about before. The finished paintings are filling up and with over 60 more cards to paint, it seems daunting. This style is something that I have not done a whole lot of. Most of my work has been abstract art- a whole different ball game in terms of skill sets.
When I make an abstract, I am able to be more free and allow more accidental serendipitous marks. Abstracts are freeing and liberating and more free flowing. When I make an illustration that has to be grounded in a recognizable form that makes sense logically, it is more temperamental. I have so many rules to follow. I have to get anatomy right, shading right, it has to be recognizable and consistent. Making an angel look the same way over and over again is difficult for me. I know there are ways to work on this, but the character is still developing in my head. I still have to figure out exactly who he is. Angels are known to appear differently to different people and are supposed to be multidimensional and out of our grasp of understanding. They can appear male or female but have no real gender. They appear differently from person to person and to try to capture the essence of any particular angel when they are constantly changing appearance and have different interpretations by the many artists who have created imagery of them over the years, it becomes a strain to get right.
I am working on a lot of things not only artwise, but emotional and lifewise. I am trying to heal and overcome my ills. I am trying to be a better person and to have my stuff together more. The world seems to be in upheaval when I watch the news, or come across it on the internet. So much infighting and arguing and politics and so much commotion for people’s rights and beliefs and just everyone wanting to have their say all at once. It gets a bit maddening to look at all of it and try to make my life work at the same time. I know there are people who have things millions times worse than me, and all the arguing going on in the world doesn’t seem to help. I am trying to be more grateful of what I have.
When it comes down to it, my life is not that bad. I have most of what I need to survive. No one is dropping bombs on my head and no one is trying to force me to do stuff. It kind of makes me pause and think- why is it that there are people who have it so bad? Why do we as a population of humans treat each other with such disrespect? Why are there still wars and fighting? What is it about humanness that doesn’t allow for peace? Why do we do this to ourselves?
When I come up with an answer, the only thing I can think of is we just don’t know any better. There is just no way to know something we were not taught. When we can’t agree on a teacher of love, and don’t allow all forms of love teachers (Jesus, Buddha, Saints, etc) and we argue about who is right rather than seeing that everything has multidimensional views and truth, then we get caught in “I’m right, you’re wrong, there is no other opinion than my own.”
There are as many sides to one story as there are people.
I would love for some true authority to come and teach us all the best way to allow for another’s opinion into our understanding while still getting along, and seeing that we don’t all have to believe the same thing in order for there to be truth in everyone’s viewpoint.
I guess it is just a period of allowing the noise and chatter to dissipate and dust off. The olympics are happening soon. Next week, I think. Another load of commotion. Hopefully this time a positive gathering of people. Maybe the thrill of competition in a sporting event will bring the world some peace.
Anyhow, sorry to rant and rave a bit. Just needed to get some thoughts out there. I feel I have been neglecting the blog a lot and I’m not sure if that is a bad thing or not. I have more time to gain a fresh perspective and see what it is I am doing all of this work for. With all the commotion going on, it is nearly impossible to compete for attention anyhow.
I hope you all have a great weekend and have some fun now. Take care,